I feel like I truly lost my way over the past two months. I let my grades slip for the first time since high school, I fell behind. Its like drowning. Its not like Im flunking or even like Im getting below a 3.5, but still its not gonna be another 4.0 semester, thats for sure. I feel like Im trying desparatly to stifle myself with school, I cant breathe under the pressure of grades and papers and jobs. There are so many creative things I want to pursue and parts of me I want to improve that I just cant find the time to do. I want to write poetry again, journal more often, read volumes about add and depression, maybe even paint or draw agian! Wow I havent drawn in almost a year and a half! That is crazy! I have never gone more than probably a month max since I could pick up a crayon. I feel hollow creativly... I feel almost like a part of me is starving to death, slowly and quietly in a neglected corner of my life/heart/soul/mind/whatever. I need to write, but i feel like that capacity is a bath tub with cold water, it will take so long to let the tap heat up that it makes me anxious. Do I have time to allow for that? No.

What can I even write about?

Am I smart enough? How did I lose faith in my intellegence? I want to save the world, I'll never save them without killing myself. I want to grow down, I want time to stand still, Will I ever stop moving? Will my mind ever sit still? Will I ever learn to be normal? How did I fall away from my childhood? Would she (lil me) be disapointed? Sunday's are too short, Im so tired

I could write about all of those topics. And it literally took under a minute to list them off. I'm deffinetly suffocating. At least my relationship has become the solid part of my life that I needed it to be. No more fighting, no more crying, no more wondering. Thats the only good change I can think of.

The Undone To Do List

The cycle in itself,

Defeats me,

Before I even stand,

It eats me.

The pills are meant to slow it down,

but its funny,

how that turns around,

I simply come,

to realize,

That Im farther behind

than Id compermized.

I watch in shock as it charges closer,

And turn my head,

as it runs me over.

The beat of my pulse drowns out my thoughts,

But the lock in my jaw, soon reminds me,

Im lost.

The sound of my heart beat is in my ears,

pounding underneith my ribs,

As i remember all thats on my list,

of things i said id do today,

and Things i said id do before,

last week,

last month,

Still on The door,

where i keep and break my promises,

to myself,

to my GPA,

to all the things I never gave,

a shit about,

until today.  

Until the moment I decided,

that my sanity was undecided,

And in the moment after that,

When it slid to the burner,

in the back.

Where I never get to go,

Becuase Im late,

Because Im slow,

Becuase Im never on time,

I know.

Its something Ill put on my list,

Something to which,

I will never get.

Something Else

No one knows me,

No one sees me,

Behind the affliction that seems to be me.

It’s something else,

It lives in here,

It only sleeps,

There is no cure.

I hate it enough to want it dead,

So it must be something inside my head,

Otherwise,

If it was me,

I could kill myself,

But I can see,

It’s something else,

It isn’t me.

It speaks for me,

It thinks for me,

It makes me feel,

Damn near everything.

How do I explain that I don’t belong,

When I look at my life,

And nothing’s wrong?

Because even perfection,

Would need something else,

To win my affection,

I couldn’t be myself.

You don’t know me,

You can’t see me,

Behind the symptoms that seem to be me.

When we're born we survive because we're selfish: driven by emotional and physical needs. We scream and cry until those needs are met without regard to anyone else. When we're adults in relationships we are suppose to be mature enough to put the other persons needs infront of our own; some people arent mature enough to do that. 

Whether they are purely selfish or they have more complex circumstances on top of that it all comes down to immaturity. Men and women do tend to cheat for different reasons though. Women tend to search for a missing emotional connection while men tend to stray in search of the physical. But it can go either way.

   

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Apatía Americana

Nací en Los Estados Presumidos,

Y he visto el desmentido,

Que no hay desigualdad todavía,

Pero he oído el racismo.

Si escuchas a las voces jovenes,

Oirás sombras de las  vistas viejas,

Perspectivas que juran desaparecer.

Hay problemas y pobreza que nadie quiere creer,

Pero existe todavía,

Y van a seguir apareciendo,

Y segiurán a evitarlos.

Hoy en día,

Yo veo lo mismo, 

En todas partes del país,

La misma tienda en cada esquina,

Los mismos ideas en cada chica.

No me gusta lo que veo,

Cuando pienso de la gente,

Espero que presten atención a otra cosa más importante que a ellos mismos.

Last night was incredible! I came back from lunch with my mom around 7 and we texted eachother a little, he had been hanging out with his friends all day. One text was so sweet, it saud that he was going to spend all day sunday with me. So I decided to do a little work since he was doing his own thing. Eventually he said he was just really tired and would probably just stay home for the night, so when he called me and I found out he and Jamal were going to a party I was sort of hurt. Not that I was mad, but I just felt like with all of the progress we just made he was still taking my feelings for granted. There was a lot of noise and I was pretty down so I told him to call me later, but he said no wait hold on... and then there was a knock at the door!

I havent been that happy in a veeeery long time!  It was amazing... the past two days have made me feel like Im dreaming, its incredible. We didnt really do anything out of the ordinary until he was just about to leave, I felt like I let that perfect surprise go to waste so I did what I should have done when he got here. We had this amazing kiss and clothes went flying, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex three times and then some.. At some point he looked at me in a way I will never forget, I cant even describe it except to say that I would do anything to see it again. I feel like I havent seen that passion in us for so long, I dont want to let that go ever again. Damn... I cant stop tearing up! lol Its getting on my nerves cuz I dont want to smudge my makeup. He'll be here soon, Im so excited! I even made a playlist of all the songs that remind me of him, but not in a sexual way for once, these songs are mostly from way back. Like Everything, Suga Suga, Stay, Baby I Love You.. stuff from the begining.